Rest in Peace Robert

Today, 29 years ago, my father passed away from a heart attack. I wish I could say I have wonderful memories of him and that I miss him, but I don’t miss him and don’t have any good memories.  I can honestly say I hated him at one time in my teens.  I’m just left with questions that I wish I knew the answers to and probably never will and that’s fine. Maybe I don’t need to know.  I would like to know more about his parents and grandparents. I wish I knew what he was like before he became what he was.  If you're curious to what that is, please click to this earlier post

I vividly remember thinking of him a couple of weeks before he died. I remember thinking I won’t go to his funeral if he dies. Maybe I sensed he was going to die; I honestly don’t know why I thought about him in that way. I decided I wouldn’t mourn him. I wouldn’t cry if he kicked the bucket because he didn’t care about me. I mean I hated him so why would I mourn his death?

Little did I know that I would cry and mourn his death.  I mourned what he could have been: a loving and great Dad. I mourned the loss and emptiness of not having a father involved in my life. I lamented over things like what if his childhood created him to be what he was? Were his parents mean? What happened? I wondered what led him to be an alcoholic? What pain was he covering up with alcohol?  Did he have a favorite TV show?  I cried over the unknown: answers to questions that still haunt me.  I mean I was planning to interview him. Folks, I'm trying to bring some humor to this post.

A few months before he died, I had to deal with the hate that I had in my heart.  A friend and minister, Willie Caldwell, from my church had a heart to heart talk with me. I had finally decided to pray and to forgive Robert a.k.a. my Dad.  I had made plans to tell him that I had forgiven him. I never got that chance.

I’m thankful for the gifts that have come from all that pain. One gift was learning to forgive at a young age because that was hard to do. I didn’t realize the gift of forgiveness of others who wronged me was for the benefit of me. I didn’t learn and understand that until I was older. The other gift was to write all about the pain as well. One of my first writings was about him which I shared in my English class in my senior year in high school and that was just the beginning of my writing. One of the first poems I ever wrote was about him. I decided not to share that poem in this post. I knew as a young teen that I wanted to be a writer and even more so after his death. The last gift was to find solace in music. I really discovered so much more about music after that. I really started listening to lyrics more instead of just banging my head to the beat and just enjoying music for just the joy of what it can bring and comfort. I realized that singers and others were hurting and I didn't feel so alone.

Today, 29 years ago, my father passed away from a heart attack. Today, I still think about him. Please think of me as you go about your day. Rest in peace Robert.